Struggling

 I really am struggling today . The news of the dr appt was not good . My knee is not healing as it should be . Knee replacement is the suggested next step . I’m doing what I can each day to accept where I am in life , what I have control over and how what I need to do to find contentment in my life . Part of me feels like - if I could just hug you , hold you , kiss you I’d feel sooo much better . But that is not possible and may never be . So then what do I do ? I just keeping repeating all the affirmations that I have , I sew and I keep doing something everyday oh and take stool softener ! A good poop really can make ones day . Gross I know but it did make me laugh . 

It’s Monday I can catch up on vlogmas , I can sew on rag quilt and I can get bedroom in order. Not being able to gate anyone room in my house ,in order , is really depressing. As from hobbling around when I do realize what I want to do . 

Journaling is supposed to help put these thoughts to bed or in order . Not sure why I’m fighting it . I really do want to do what’s best for me that I can do .

So do I make list everyday of what I have to accomplish before my head hits the pillow for the days end ? 

Maybe I’ll make a short list , then add more ? 

Cat

 I thought I would be clever , with the cat food on the floor . You know the stuff the cats spill but refuse to eat . So last night , when this idea hit me ; I got a dessert dish . What your cat doesn’t eat out of crystal dessert dishes or margarita glass ? 

Anyways , I’m in the wheelchair , bent over picking up cat food , praying I don’t tip over and in comes sabatian . So much sneaking this clean up mission . There I wait for him to either eat or leave ...... but with his super sonic hearing , each piece hitting the glass from floor has my mission fail . 

I tried again this morning, as coffee brews in press -four minute mission . Success I get all the pieces off the floor ! Now there are three serving dishes . Will they eat , stay tuned . 

Tuesday

 Well I know have a physical therapist coming to the house , it’s time to put weight in my hands and on my left leg . Boy am I sore this morning, four pounds can really work my muscles . I am trying to do the walker , touch little with left foot , using arms and step , then hop with right foot . Like a weird dance . 

Getting out of shape is soooo easy . My left foot feels weird when I stand , I can get swelling down - if I sleep with leg on three pillows. What a drag that is . Cats never leave my side , esp at some odd hour in the too early am ; when I need to pee . Imagine , leg on high three pillows and cat the size of medium dog not wanting to move and bladder like a water balloon . Never imagined this would be my life . 

There is a podcaster , for knitting , whom has a brain tumor way close to spine , non operable . As I watched the special episode of Fruity Knitting ; I cried . My bone will heal , his head may not . This makes me even more aware of how I spend my day . 

And so I go , washing fleece , dishes and then knitting , relearning to walk , excepting where I am and being grateful I can do all this . 

In your head

How much stuff does one person really need? Nothing like being forced to be home to make me accountable. No one is here telling me I wasted money or how can I get rid of that - no one but me . So why the struggle ? If it clears out space , to just breathe or space to have space . Why does it have to be filled? What am I trying to fill ? As I get my sisters stuff out I see something being done . 

I guess that’s it for today . Clear out somebody else’s stuff . 

Music don’t ever discount  , the free change of mood, that’s not fattening ; that it provides. 

Sunday

 Netflix and knitting .  Wild Roses is the top , Ratched , Get a Life and now Criminal. Is there an app for walking with a walker , to count my steps? Is it walking or hoping ? It is getting down the hall , bending my knee as I hop is taking some abuse off my knee . It’s daunting I may not walk on two legs hmm feet till January. That would be a good way to start the year .  

This is my time for quarantine. I work at a hospital transporting instruments from the OR . Walking is half the job which I hope I will return to .